Acrimonious Authors

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Bronies

As a person who was born with more male on the inside than on the outside with their fair share of strange fantasies, I can never really hate on people for what they like. I can’t easily call other people “sicko,” for I know all too well what dwells in the recesses of my own mind. Some things disturb me… oh boy, do they ever disturb me, but I recognize that such strange things have an unnecessarily huge fan base. I know that everyone gets their rocks off in their own way, and nary will a snicker or a sneer change that fact.

I want to talk a little bit today about Bronies. The Brony “Community” is larger in size than some people might think, and like most sizeable groups, it grows on the internet. The internet is a magical wonderland of anonymity, where if you like something such as My Little Pony just a BIT TOO MUCH, it doesn’t matter. You don’t know the people bashing you. You have a right as an American (usually an American) to watch whatever crap you want to watch. Now don’t get me wrong, you are right about that. You do have the right to like what you want to like (given that it is within reason and doesn’t involve idolizing Patrick Bateman from American Psycho).

You just hate him ‘cause he’s pretty and stuff.

Fans of MLP/Bronies aren’t bad people. You don’t hear that a lot on the web. Honestly, I hear a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans of the show. Non-fans say things like “Why do you even like this show, it’s dumb and it was made for little girls,” and I hear fans return the hate by telling non-fans, “You’re a fucking idiot and don’t know what you’re talking about, get out of your mom’s basement,” etc. It’s not a television show that turns people into murky, grimace-inducing horrors that infest the internet with more of their raging behemoth-sized idiocy. It’s HOW MUCH you like the show.

Again, not all Bronies are bad people. It would be unfair to look at a prison and say everyone in it deserves to be killed as much as a rapist or murderer does. That’s simply not true. Not all people deserve to be condemned for their likes or dislikes. That’s why I don’t hate all Bronies. If you want to harmlessly love a show because you think it’s a good show, then by all means, watch it, enjoy it. You don’t need my permission or approval, or anyone else’s. I don’t particularly like it… but if it’s your thing, go nuts. You aren’t harming yourself. You aren’t harming others.

However… there are still many arguments people like to make about why it’s so much better of a show than any other, how it’s the most positive, most unique, most specially-wecially show in the whole pony-verse, tee-hee!

Look, it’s not. It’s NOT. Most Bronies, from my observation, are in their early twenties, so there is a slight chance they might not have watched the cartoons I did when I was a child. Most cartoons geared toward younger children (4-7) WERE EXACTLY LIKE “FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.” There are also many other children’s shows that have the exact same kind of “lessons” in them that people claim ONLY My Little Pony preaches. That claim is, again, not true. In fact, of all the children’s programs on television, My Little Pony is one of the least informative, and gears mainly on the importance of friendship. If you NEED a television show to tell you or teach you NOT to be a fucking dickhead to your friends, I wouldn’t want to know you anyway. Of course friendship is important to us humans… we’re a social species. We don’t need ponies to tell us. So that’s my first major complaint about Bronies: “The show is special and unique.” It’s not. Don’t misunderstand me, though. It’s hard not to come up with excuses when so many people call you a flaming faggot for watching little girls—I mean little ponies—and you have no other option to say the show has some important lessons to teach.

Let’s take for example an episode I recently watched where Rainbow Dash breaks her wing and ends up in the hospital. Her bizarrely over-fashioned and dangerously flirtatious girlfriends try to convince her to read a book to pass the time and aid her boredom. She avoids it because she hates to read and calls her friend “egghead.” The “lesson” in the show was “the book was actually really good and it was wrong of her to call her friend an egghead.” Why do you need a show to explain to you that calling your friend a name (even one as lame as “egghead”) is a bad thing to do? Wouldn’t you… uh… not do that anyway?!

So don’t try to tell me “I watch it for the lessons.” No, you fucking don’t. If you have some balls, you’ll say “Yes, I like My Little Pony because I just like the show. The characters are (sickeningly) cute and the little stories are funny to me.” DON’T FUCKING LIE JUST TO GET PEOPLE TO ACCEPT YOU. If they pick on you for being a Brony, they don’t give A SINGLE, SOLITARY FUCK why you watch the show. All they see is “You’re a Brony, you’re a faggot.” You can’t change that, so give it up.

With that said, My Little Pony would be an okay show to me, but when I watch it, I literally get very uncomfortable. The characters, every one of them, are a little too cute. I’m reminded of the fantasies a pedophile has whenever I see them… they’re just so girly and flirty that you can almost hear the sound of fapping from someone in the distance, watching MLP over my shoulder, going “Oh fuck yeah, Rainbow Dash, do more loops!!!!” When I think of other kids’ shows, I think of how “childlike” the characters are--- they are VOICED by children or people who sound a lot like them, they ACT like children (the way they talk and play with each other), and they all have parents who scold them for doing wrongs or praise them for doing rights. In My Little Pony, the ponies are very clearly young women, who wear eye makeup and hair color. They have no families, just friends. They behave the way a little girl would if she wants to con someone out of giving her ice cream. It’s WEIRD.

That’s why there really are Bronies out there who fall into a whole other category—the ones who “clop.” It’s almost hard to blame them—look at those fucking ponies winking at you and shit, talking in the voices of adult women who love to ACT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS. For a staggering number of men, that’s a wet dream come true, and an entire TV show stars characters just like it. The kinds of people who literally jack off to My Little Pony cartoons have some skeletons in the closet I’m sure, and not just getting off to pony-girls, either.

Now, again, you’re not hurting yourself or anyone, but you really do have to ask yourself why it gets you off so much. There has to be some reason. When I look at the things I get off to, I can see where they originated and why I like them so much, but maybe I’m just the weird kind of person who questions that kind of thing when most people just go “Who fuckin’ cares? I’m having orgasms.”

Lots and lots of them…

Let’s not start talking about fan-fiction and fan-art. Oh please, God, no. Not the dregs of the internet… Okay, too late. We crossed the bridge.

I have a love/hate relationship with DeviantArt, mainly because it’s fifty percent anime, thirty percent furries, and twenty percent My Little Pony characters. I can’t go anywhere on the site now without stubbing my toe on a pile of made-up MLP characters that have nothing interesting about them. Most of them are just crappy re-colors of other characters, or vector tracings of screenshots. I’ve seen original MLP art, but it just looks like more of the show. None of it is very unique. Same style, same artwork.

Like this one here: http://shadowthehedgehog928.deviantart.com/art/Lightning-Clash-317230050. This same guy is also a big fan of Freddy Krueger for some reason. Good luck explaining why you wanted to combine Freddy and MLP in one short, pointless story.

There is such a thing as “taking it too far.” Writing stories about how you meet MLP characters in real life because it’s your ultimate dream to take wing with flying ponies is really lame (especially when you admit it made you cry), and it’s only because I’m a little too manly than some people would like that I say shit like that. Maybe you’re just someone who is really, really, really, really sensitive, and that’s okay. I’m sensitive. When I stub my toe on piles of crappy art, I cry. When two gay men can’t be together because of oppressive times, it makes me cry. Oh wait, you may be a Brony, but you might still be homophobic, so I better keep that on the downlow.

But then there’s the CREEPIER stories. Yeah, writing a story about meeting Rainbow Dash is a waste of typing, but at least it’s innocent. I wish I could unsee some of the things I have seen. And you will, too.

"So you see, Twilight, you need feel no shame in your attraction. I am quite flattered, and it is quite mutual." Luna rests a hoof on Twilight's side, caressing her through the blanket ever so slightly.
Twilight feels light as a pegasus. Her head spins a little, and she fights the urge to jump around the room screaming "YES!"
"But," Luna interrupts.
"But?"
"Yes, there is a 'but'. And it is a large one."
Twilight's eyes disobey all her orders and slide over Luna's flank as she says this. Of course, Luna notices, Twilight notices that she notices, and Twilight shrinks into her blankets further. Luna snorts, almost giggling.
"You are cute. So young. So eager. I would very much like to take you into my bed," Luna says calmly, as if it was a normal piece of everyday conversation. Twilight shudders and smiles, feeling herself turning to putty with every word.

How can you not read that and think “I feel like I need to be in jail for this.” Or, maybe you do, and I just don’t know it. And furthermore, what possesses you to write it? I really am curious. Already I’m thinking I’m a bit of a hypocrite—I write erotica for a living, and none of it is the least bit clean or innocent. But ponies acting like little girls… you KNOW why that turns you on. They’re not “My Little Horses.” They’re PONIES. Meaning YOUNG GIRLS.

Connect the fucking dots.

"So... Twilight?" Rarity turns to her. Twilight is caught off guard, lost in their back-and-forth. Both her friends are looking at her.
"So?" Twilight isn't sure what they're waiting for.
"Do you... how shall I put this, hmm... do you like...?" Rarity says.
"Do you clop to mares?" Dash asks.
"Clop?" Twilight raises an eyebrow.
"Again, must you be so crude? I swear you are worse than Applejack sometimes." Rarity sighs.
"What's so crude about the sound of hooves on stone?" Twilight asks.
Again, her friends stare at her.
"Wow. Worse than I thought." Dash shakes her head. "No wonder Luna wants you to get around some."
"What Rainbow Dash was referring to was, ahem, uh, tending one's flower," Rarity explains.
Twilight just stares blankly at her.
"Exploring your mare's garden?" she tries again. Twilight still looks confused.
"Touching yourself – down there?" Rarity says.

“What we want to know here, Twilight, is if you’re a giant dyke.”

Okay, so these kinds of things don’t fit the description of all Bronies. But those it does describe, try to understand just a bit about why people find you weird. That “We should all be proud of who we are” crap people like to say is a bunch of bullshit. A child molester should be downright ashamed of who he is, not try to find people on the internet who think like he does.

There are enough “Fanboys” in our culture that make “Fans” look retarded. I’m a “Fan” of American Psycho, and I don’t dream about skull-fucking dead people beside a bloodied and naked Christian Bale.

But that chainsaw gives me a boner every time.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Movie Review - Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

For a little over a month I’ve been trying to finish Twilight so that I can review it. I’m nearly halfway through the book and it’s killing me. Like, it’s literally killing me. It’s causing all sorts of things like muscle pain, eye strain, abdominal bleeding, as well as receding libido. Okay, that part’s a lie, but the other stuff is true. All joking aside, I cannot express in words how much this book is torturing me. Well, okay, I can, but that’s for another review entirely! It’s time to set that abominable garbage aside to work on reviewing something else that sucks!

Well, first of all, I’m going to admit that one of the main reasons I’m writing this review today is because it’s a Saturday that I’m not spending with James, and I also don’t work on the weekends, and if I didn’t start working on this, I would be sitting in my computer chair staring into space. I literally ran out of stuff to do or work on (except Twilight, but it singes my hands with the dark forces of suck every time I pick it up), and I tried to think of what else I could accomplish on my day off alone.

That’s right, I wrote and read erotica.

Oh besides that? Well I considered drawing sexual images, but I got too distracted with writing sexual situations and thinking of ways to avoid reading Twilight, because when you read Twilight, you’ll be unable to see the sexuality in anything for a very long time. Like moments ago, I opened to a random page, and I knew that at least for one day, I would not be able to write anything erotic. Porn itself had become dull and grey.

I’m sorry, I’m talking about Twilight again. Where was I? OH! The movie I was going to review. The laughably, intolerably, unjustifiably horrible move that I was going to review.

For those of you who didn’t know, the film The Blair Witch Project had a sequel. Of course it did. Hollywood can’t shit out twenty foot turds without making a second one to follow it, at least not in this shit-for-brains country. The sad thing is, The Blair Witch Project was actually stupidly popular and made tons of money. Critics loves it, teenagers loved it, and I even thought it wasn’t too bad. I know, strange, right?

Then came Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. The title alone is fucking insulting. Seriously, “Blair Witch 2?!” Why did they have to add the “Blair Witch 2” after “Book of Shadows”? Couldn’t they have just called it “Book of Shadows” and leave it alone? Well, I guess most filmmakers assume that their audience is too stupid to figure out that their current project is a sequel to something. In addition, this movie has as much to do with The Blair Witch Project as a Pop-Tart has to do with a car engine. Not only that, but I’ve watched this movie and I can safely say that I’ve never seen a “book of shadows” in it. What the hell is the title supposed to mean?!

What’s with the opening credits? Why are we flying over some region in Michigan to an overused Marilyn Manson song? But hey, in between all the whining about life sucking as a teenager, courtesy of Mr. Brian Warner, we see quick shots of people getting tied up, stabbed, and dragged, until finally the music dies down and we get to see a youthful-looking man in an interrogation room, who apparently fell asleep, because he’s sitting there for roughly thirty-two seconds with his eyes closed looking like a Tibetan monk who happens to put semen in his hair every morning to use as spiking gel.

We get the first indication that we are, in fact, watching a “scary” movie when a detective enters and tells him that they found blood in his van. He seems pretty chill about it. In fact, he says nothing, which you’ll consider a huge blessing later because this idiot has a tendency to open his mouth and say stupid shit.

I’ve actually gotten ahead of myself. I didn’t mention the introduction to this movie, which is by far probably the funniest part of it. The movie opens with a collection of clips from talk shows and the news, and it cuts people off at the most perfect times to make it sound like praise. For example, the first newscaster, Kurt Loder from MTV News only says “the film is The Blair Witch Project,” and it cuts to Jay Leno out of nowhere saying “one of the scariest films of all time!” Then it cuts to Conan saying “I was terrified!” To Andy Richter, who answers with “it scared me to death!” Each time it cuts to a different clip, the film literally screams. I’m serious. “It scared me to death!” REEE!

Then they present Burkittsville as this really interesting place where everyone is flocking to because The Blair Witch Project was so amazing. I guess I have no choice but to believe that, since that AWFUL, AWFUL book Twilight managed to get people interested in some little town called Forks for no fucking reason.

Oh, shit, I’m talking about Twilight again. This is going to be a long night, isn’t it?

So Jeff, the man in the interrogation room, is sort of an entrepreneur, in the way that a cat would be if his business was licking his own butt. He operates his own “Witch Store” in Burkittsville and sells some twigs he tied together in childish shapes, probably for twenty bucks each while telling people he got them from haunted places in the woods.

Jeff claims he went to see The Blair Witch Project seventeen times in a row after “getting released from the hospital.” Maybe I’m new at this whole “you’re crazy” thing, but I think you need to pay them another visit. Even I’ve only seen that movie three times, and I’m sort of a compulsive movie re-watcher if it’s any good, unless the movie is really fucking sad or is so good that I don’t want to watch it too often to make myself sick of seeing it. You know your movie is excellent when I do that. But come on, dude, seventeen times, in a row, in the theater?! That’s like ten bucks a ticket, maybe even twelve, and that’s money you could have saved to start up a better business, like building a lemonade stand, or at least get a girlfriend. Yeah, those cost money these days.

So, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, this movie completely ruins its original forerunner in the worst way possible: By pointing out as hard as they can that the first movie was a bunch of fictional bull shit. Yeah! This sequel is about how people reacted to the original film, which was produced and filmed as a realistic documentary! The reason why it was so frightening (to most people) was because it was filmed in such a way that it seemed realistic, and you were supposed to believe in it, and in the Blair Witch. So what do they do with all of that hard work? That’s right, they take a huge dump on it. “The Blair Witch Project?! Yeah, that movie rocked! If only they spent their budget money for the sequel on cancer research instead!” And no, I’m not confused, and they aren’t actually talking about the first film being real, they’re talking about it as if it were fictional, while they themselves are actors portraying fictional characters. Now you have to ask yourself, “Wait, which one is supposed to be ‘real’ and which one isn’t?” Will they come out with another sequel about teenagers watching Book of Shadows, then talking about how much it sucked? If that doesn’t blow your balls to the moon, I don’t know what will.

So, off to a great start already!

After we watch people talk about the first film like it was fake, but they believed that it could be real (I know I’ve never taken acid), we see a pleasant image of Jeff in a hospital with doctors shoving tubes in his face and pouring what looks like steaming, hot piss into them, and if it didn’t make my nostrils have sympathy pains, I’d be turned on. Um, partially.

We get to see hilarious images of Jeff writhing around in a straight jacket, and when he’s in what looks like a recreation room with other patients, he screams “ENOUGH!” Even though, to me, it seemed dead silent. Well, I guess that’s why he’s nuts. And that pretty much brings us back up to speed, here. Jeff’s entrepreneurship has soared to new heights, and he promoted himself from selling stick-dolls in the WiTCH STORE to driving people around Burkittsville in a rustic painted van which probably smells like rotting Wendy’s hamburgers and ass, and is using it as a tour vehicle, which has an endearing little label on it that says:

BLAIR WITCH-HUNT

Tours by appointment only

www.blairwitch-hunt.com

I assume he spends these tours talking about all of his favorite scenes from the first film, because, honestly, what is there to “tour?” Trees? Houses? Sounds like fun… he introduces us to his three guests in the van, Stephen Parker and his ditzy girlfriend, Tristen, and the Wiccan Erica, and—wait a second. All of the characters in the film have the exact same first names as the actors who played them. I just looked it up on IMDB. That’s not the weirdest part, though. The weirdest part was what it said for Tristen’s character:

Tristine Skyler playing Tristen Ryler (as Tristen Skyler)

I’m sorry, but… my mind is so busy trying to understand that, I can’t even continue. I actually need a second to try and wrap my head around that bizarre note. “As Tristen Skyler” What in the fuck?! So Tristine Skyler is playing a character that has a slightly different name than hers that is playing someone who has an almost identical name to hers. My brain is aching.

I’m over it now.

So now we get introduced to the snarky gothic girl named Kim who is apparently “psychic.” Yeah, as psychic as a doorknob. She can see images of the future, but apparently not well enough, because she can’t predict that she would be totally irresponsible. She tells the gang to meet her in the local cemetery, which I guess is her way of saying she’d rather be dead than be in this heap of shit movie, and they find her lying on someone’s grave. Gosh, this girl has all kinds of respect, I know she’ll fit right in with the crowd! What’s even funnier is when Jeff calls for her, and she responds “yo” Erica says “is that her?” No, it’s the ghost of Fonzie, who do you think it is?!

Also, why does the grave Kim is lying on say “Further” on it?

Ohhh.

Wait a sec. It said “Treacle” on it seconds before that! Look!

I’m starting to believe that the true purpose of this film is to make you convinced that at some point, you were an avid drug addict. I watched the name of the grave carefully, and after it says “Further” it actually changes back to “Treacle.” What the shit? Kim tells them she’s exhausted and is trying to find the energy to stand up, and this was her whole reason for lying down on someone’s grave. So, you drove out here, stood up, walked through the cemetery, found a grave, lied down on it, and then said you have no energy to stand. I bet she’s a wonder to work with.

So Jeff drops the bombshell on his would-have-been-friends that he had never given an actual tour of the Blair Witch haunting grounds, and when Stephen tells him his website says otherwise, reading off from a sheet of paper-- that I guess he for some reason printed from the website-- that Jeff claimed he had over ten thousand satisfied customers. He defended that those were the customers of his store. I’m sorry, backpedal a second—ten thousand customers for a tour is too many, but seriously, ten thousand customers bought twenty dollar stick figures from your online store?! Since “ten thousand” is a solid on-the-dot amount, it’s hard to argue that he’s a big fucking liar. If you’re going to lie about how many customers you’ve had, you could at least lie and say they were customers of your tour, numb nuts.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Kim stop by the local hillbilly shop and pick up some booze, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry is staring at them like they carry Super AIDS. Kim reminds us she’s the snarky character by making snide remarks about everything. As Jeff and Kim discuss what their first part of the tour is (visiting the rubble that was once the home of Rustin Parr, who, in the Blair Witch mythology, heard the voices of kids telling him to kill shit. There’s a whole PC video game about it) and the movie randomly cuts to a close up of someone’s face getting bludgeoned by something, with horrible, fake sound effects and cheap special effects. And then it suddenly cuts back to the movie. Did the editor take a coffee break or something, or did the director decide he wanted to add segments of his debut street crime documentary?

Jeff begins hauling piles of supplies and equipment out of his van and forcing his new friends to carry it all, and is even bringing a camera to film the events. Kim sarcastically remarks that Jeff is “running bull shit central,” whatever that means, and Jeff asks why she bothered to come if she didn’t believe in the Blair Witch. Kim rolls her eyes at him and says it’s because she thought the movie was cool, in a voice that was saying “you should know this, you idiot.”

As they’re walking, Kim talks to Tristen and guesses that she’s pregnant and that she doesn’t want to keep the baby, but her boyfriend does. Tristen looks starry-eyed and gasps “how did you know?” Kim gives her this blank, empty-headed stare and says “I dunno.” No explanation needed, I guess.

… …Okay…

“So what are you going to do?” Kim asks.

“I dunno,” replies Tristen.

… …

Look, just because you can write dialogue doesn’t mean you should, all right?

So Jeff welcomes the gang to the ruins of Rustin Parr’s house, where the footage that Heather (from the first Blair Witch) left behind was apparently found. Erica ogles the markings on the stone wall, which consist of handprints, an X, and a cross or two. Erica refers to it as a Witch’s Alphabet. I guess witches have entire words that are only one letter long.

So after Erica goes on insulting the retards who don’t know anything about witchcraft by saying “Only people who don’t understand witchcraft would be afraid of these symbols,” she mentions the large gnarled tree in the middle of the ruined site. Jeff spins around and gasps “Where the fuck did this come from? This was never here before!” While some eerie synthesizer music plays. I guess it’d be creepier if you didn’t realize that they would have seen that tree when arriving to the site and would have commented on it then. Even after no one is impressed, Jeff continued to rant about it. “No, really, who would build a house around a tree?!” Well, that’s not exactly the first conclusion I would come to, I would assume the tree grew after the house was ruined, but hey, I’m not a genius like Jeff is.

The movie cuts once again to some shitty-looking blurry clips of people screaming and running and getting stabbed and tied up. I think maybe what happened was, there was an actual horror movie filmed, but some shithead recorded over all of the original footage with Book of Shadows. Of course, apologies weren’t enough to satisfy the director, so they had to work in cuts from the horror film into Book of Shadows and shoehorn some crappy plot device into it. That would be my guess, I mean, those scenes don’t make sense and they aren’t even scary.

So Erica sits and performs some witchcraft, wicked witchcraft, and Tristen approaches her asking if she’s casting an evil spell. Erica takes this opportunity to explain to this, stupid, stupid “normal” girl what Wiccans really do, because she’s just too stupid to understand what witches really are. She admits she’s trying to commune with the Blair Witch and tries to explain she isn’t evil, and notes “She was an Earth child… like me. She’s gonna be my mentor!” What she doesn’t know is that the Blair Witch’s first lesson is how to tie sticks into the shape of a person and hang them from trees to scare away campers. Erica sluttily spreads herself on the grass exposing most of her bare stomach as she writhes around on the leaves saying she’s going to commune with Ellie (the Blair Witch). From what it looks like, she’s going to do a lot more than “commune” with her. I’m sure they’ll be “communing” all night long from the looks of it.

Tristen asks if Erica had ever seen a picture of the Blair Witch, and she helpfully shares a drawing of her with Erica, to entice her I guess, and explains that she thinks it was drawn before she was banished. Erica suddenly snaps and corrects her “BANISHED, MY ASS! They dragged her into the woods in the middle of winter and tied her to a fucking tree to die!” If I were Tristen, I would have likely said “Okay, jeez, I’m sorry. I figured saying ‘banished’ was a little more tasteful than saying ‘When the cruel people who aren’t Earth children dragged her into the woods and let her starve and freeze,’ but, hey, you know how to ruin a conversation.”

Oh, boy. There’s still a whole lot more movie here. I really don’t mean to go scene-by-scene, but seriously, every single scene is jam-packed full of ridiculous shit like this. It’s priceless. It’s like I’m watching a comedy.

Jeff shows Tristen all of his ultra camera equipment, showing that he is going to be filming the site 24/7 with all kinds of lenses. Meanwhile Erica… (*groan* it was a blessed few seconds of screen time without her) bends down to a plant and pinches her fingers onto a leaf, uttering, “Do I have permission to take this leaf?” Rip!! “Thank you!” I don’t know if it’s just me, but that sounded like she was mocking it. “Oo, scary plant, are you going to ruffle against me if I tear off a part of your body? Huh?! ARE YOU?!”

So now it cuts to night time, and everyone is getting completely shit-faced the night before they’re supposed to shoot their footage. Well, come on, what kind of young people would they be if they didn’t act irresponsibly? Anyways, as they get plastered, they of course make a lot of really stupid jokes, molest each other, and rape each other’s asses. Oh… heh, wrong movie. No, they just make stupid jokes and laugh like they’re comedic gold. As Stephen gets hammered, he makes some profound, deep remarks about the Bermuda Triangle. Should this have been in the film…?

Erica gets fed up and complains to the camera that she’s sick of being “misunderstood” by the common folk, and says that people think she drinks blood and sacrifices children and worships the Devil because she’s Wiccan, and Kim interjects with, “People fear what they don’t understand. Just because I wear black, people think that I’m some sick killer, or something.” Look, you’re both wrong. Erica, maybe you shouldn’t be cramming your ideals, thoughts and beliefs down the throats of everyone you meet. It’s cool to be Wiccan, if you are. It’s not cool to treat everyone else around you like they’re less than human just because they aren’t “Earth children.” That’s why people treat you like shit. And Kim, no, it isn’t because you wear black. I wear black all the time, and no one, I repeat, no one has ever thought I was a “killer.” It’s your snarky attitude and the way you present yourself that makes people react the way they do. You act like a vicious, vapid cunt to everyone around you. That’s why people think you’re a killer. Let this be a lesson to anyone who tries to say “no one understands me.” Think of the reasons why. The real reasons.

Okay, yes, I know they’re fictional characters. Moving on.

They continue their drunken ranting. Stephen is going on some kind of acid trip down Deep Speeches lane, and no one but his girlfriend/wife is listening to him, even the audience. Jeff makes a valid point halfway through the scene, saying “Video never lies. Film does, though.” Kind of like the way this film lied when it said it was about the Blair Witch Project?

Someone screams off in the distance. They become alert and step around the site looking for the source, until a cameraman and his crew of followers show up. Jeff and the other cameraman have a stare down through their cameras as if they were holding bazookas or something.

When Jeff is asked what his business is there, he says, “Tour group, the Blair Witch HUNT!!!” Like, he literally yells “Hunt,” I don’t know why. If you ever see the film, skip to this scene, it’s hilarious. So, the partner of the tour guide from “The Blair Witch Walk” assures the people from “The Blair Witch HUNT!!!” That they have a permit to be there.

“Bull shit, lemme see ‘em,” Jeff demands.

Erica steps up beside Jeff. “Bull shit,” she repeats, despite the fact that Jeff already made it clear that it was “bull shit.”

“They’re in the car,” the guy regrettably informs them.

“BULL SHIT!!!” Both Jeff and Erica simultaneously indict with rage. In case you weren’t already aware, this is total bull shit.

“Hey let’s put it this way,” the tour guide from the Blair Witch Walk interrupts. “One of us is staying here tonight, and it’s gonna be us or you.” He edges aggressively toward Erica for no real reason. “And it looks like us, you little bitch!” Well, I guess if you put it that way, I can’t argue with you! What integral logic!

“It’s gonna come back at you, three fold, man,” Erica warns. She then lifted her hands in a majestic pose and began swirling them around like batons while making a noise that sounded like this: EEEooooeeeooOOOOEEEEOOOoooeeeeEEE!! With a panicked look upon her face, she glanced at Jeff while whispering “It’s not working!” Okay, that part I made up. But the “Three fold” thing was in there.

“What’s she sayin’?” The tour guide asked.

“Well, in the Wiccan tradition-” The guide’s partner began.

“Shut up!” Why did he ask if he didn’t care? “Hey, where do babies come from, man?” Well, when a male and female- “SHUT UP!”

“Your balls will fall off in three days!” Jeff explains. Why specifically three days? Why not right at that moment? She said it would come back to him three fold, not in three days. Learn to listen, Jeff. Do you have too much urine stuffed in your face?

So they lie to the followers of the tour group, all of which consist of foreign people, telling them that they saw something at Coffin Rock that scared the hell out of them, hoping it’ll interest them and coax them into leaving. The foreign people encourage the tour guide, telling him they want to see whatever it was at Coffin Rock. They depart, and Stephen accurately jokes “They were never seen again.” He could have added “Their roles were as short as they were pointless,” but that would have broken the fourth wall.

Jeff tells the others that he’s worried those assholes might come back, but Stephen tells him not to worry, leaps onto his back, hugs Jeff around his neck, lovingly smiling, and tells him loudly with glee “We’re gonna be up aaaaalll night, baby!!” as Jeff giggles girlishly. Yeah, I bet you two are. I bet I know what you’ll be doing, too.

You know what? That should have been the poster for the film. I would have gone to see it in the theatre, then walked out with a pissed off look on my face. I’d go to one of the ticket salesmen, and say, “Hey, what the fuck, I thought Book of Shadows was a gay romance or something,” then they’d tell me to look closer at the poster to see the evil face in the background.

Kim says “They’re not coming back” and when they ask what makes her think that, she says, “I just do.” Note: this is supposed to make her “psychic.” Then, she walks away, and everyone continues on with the drunken scene from where they left off before they were rudely interrupted. Also, Tristen, the pregnant lady, is heavily drinking while a life is growing in her. Thumbs up, future mommy! Well, she doesn’t want it anyway, but Dog forbid she changes her mind. So they pass out. Well Kim does first, while gazing at a particularly disgruntled-looking owl, which is probably the only creepy thing about the film. This owl actually squints and glares at her with this “I know what you did last summer” look on its face.

In the background, a lovely little ditty about drugs and alcohol screeches into your ears, with lyrics that are so garbled that it takes you several listens to before you understand it. To me it sounds like he’s saying “Look at you now, you’re a faggot on marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol.” According to sources, what he was really saying was “Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol.” Listen to it and tell me it doesn’t sound like what I said it did!! For the record, this is one of the worst piece of shit songs ever written. How can anyone call that trash “music?”

That horrible fucking song on YouTube

Mine’s better.

In the morning, Tristen goes to the river to drown a towel that cries like a baby.

Hah, psych!

Well, not quite. That scene actually was in the movie. But it was just a dream. I’m sure she wasn’t actually drowning a baby, and she was just trying to wash all of the alcohol off that she dumped on it the night before. The passed out campers awake to find that it’s snowing… shredded paper. Paper that has been shredded into hundreds of thousands of pieces are floating down all over the site, and according to Stephen, the shredded paper was once “his work,” and “all his research.” Tristen tries to calm him by saying “you backed it up on the computer.” He said he didn’t, and they were all original documents. Seriously? You took several boxes of original documents out into the woods and sat them outside? I’m not even going to ask why he didn’t just leave them in the car… or at home.

Jeff tells them that they were all supposed to be awake. I’m not sure what that means. Well, yeah, you’re supposed to be awake, it’s morning. Maybe if you idiots didn’t get hammered the night before… anyway, Jeff’s cameras are missing as well, and he makes the obvious note that they must have “blacked out or something.” Well, of course you blacked out, you were shit-faced. I know a dickhead like you has been drunk before. Kim reassures them that the tapes are still present. Yeah, the tapes. I’m sure they care about the tapes, right? Man, all of that footage of you guys recording each other smoking dope and drinking, not even talking about the Blair Witch. Those are pretty important. Jeff asks Kim if she sees them, and she says she sees them in her mind.

Jeff rolls his eyes. That’s fine, I probably would, too. I guess the tapes were stashed exactly where the original Blair Witch tapes from the first movie were “found.” “Come on!” Stephen snidely remarks. “Why would they be in there? News flash: that was just a movie!” News flash: It was a movie set up to be a realistic documentary, but it’s fake in this movie where people are supposedly not fake, but believe that the Blair Witch is real. Let’s just get our stories straight, shall we?

Okay, so the tapes really are where Kim said they’d be. “How did you know?” Jeff asks Kim.

“I don’t know,” Kim whimpers.

Well, what other answer did you expect?

Tristen whines that she doesn’t feel well, and she’s bleeding from her vag right into her jeans. Well, I guess all of that alcohol really did its job, then.

The scene suddenly switches back to the interrogation room, where Jeff is being questioned, and the blood in the van is brought up again. Jeff’s voice suddenly turned from boyish and stupid to low and dramatic, as if he were hosting some horror movie marathon on cable television. “Tristen… had a miscarriage.” For effect, he laughed maniacally. Not really, but you almost expected it.

So they take Tristen to the hospital. The doctor asks why she’s so cold, and Stephen says “I dunno, we were just camping.” I’ve camped before, even in the summer. IT’S COLD, and as evidenced in the scenery in this film, with all of the falling leaves, it’s supposed to be autumn. It’s damn cold! Officer Redneck continues to interrogate Jeff, while giving the audience a good ol’ close-up shot of his grotesque face.

Tristen is lying in bed at the hospital and sees some images of people getting stabbed and strangled and, yeah, the same shit that it’s always cutting to. Stephen wants to know what happened while they were blacked out, so Jeff takes them to his “house” to edit the videos. He calls it his house but it’s a warehouse that he took residence in and which he apparently bought for a dollar before it was torn down. Of course it’s not realistic, but come on, none of this movie is. Before we can even get a glimpse of the inside of the warehouse, Officer Redneck is back to interrogating Jeff, spitting and grinding his teeth with every word he utters.

When you open the front door of Jeff’s “house,” which he seems to never lock, you hear the sound of barking dogs. He said it was the burglar alarm, which made me question how stupid a burglar would have to be to start running once he opens the door and hears barking but sees no dogs. I also had to wonder why it was rigged to go off every single time you opened the door. It’s not set up where it’s activated when you leave the building. It literally goes off every time the door is opened. Not very effective.

So Jeff tours everyone through his “house” and explains how he makes money. He takes stolen goods and sells them on Ebay. Oh, just like every other Ebay seller. I bet Ebay was really happy to have their company name mentioned and have it affiliated with a scam artist, as if they don’t have enough trouble with that. So he shows them his “merchandise” that he sells at his WiTCH STORE, most of which consist of a bunch of sticks and twigs, which he confirms he just picked up on his own. He also says his hottest item is a bag of a handful of dirt. Well, this is America, a nation of morons who blow their money on ridiculous shit. Of course, he claims that its dirt from the ruins of Rustin Parr’s house, but he could just be saying that. It doesn’t make it true. If it’s a “hot item,” he might eventually run out of dirt to scoop and have to pick it up somewhere else.

Erica quickly sounds her discontent to Jeff about the way he does business. At first, I thought she was for once talking about some other important human issue aside from “Smearing the Wiccas” and “Wiccan tradition,” and I thought maybe she was going to argue something such as the state of the economy and why it’s falling, why people are greedy, and how the country is falling to its knees due to its debts, but no. She doesn’t give a shit about that. She immediately goes straight to Wicca and how Jeff is defiling it by capitalizing off of fear and lies, because Jeff totally cares about Wiccan tradition enough to shut down his business. I mean, come on, I don’t bring up my beliefs on gay rights in every single conversation. Not only does she try to tell him it’s unfair to “exploit her culture,” but she says it in the sluttiest voice possible, while posing sensually, exposing her belly to Jeff’s camera.

So Jeff finally stops thinking about himself after Stephen reminds him that his girlfriend needs to lie down because she just miscarried a fucking baby, but at least he politely gives up the bedroom for them. As Kim walks past she tells Jeff “They should never have let you out. You’re a long way from sane.” Why the fuck did she just say that to him?! I don’t care if she was trying to make herself look “psychic” because she wasn’t “supposed to know Jeff was in the hospital,” but seriously, what a cunt thing to say, even if that is the case. He just gave up his bedroom to those people knowing they’ve had a hard and long day, and Kim calls him insane. What a stupid bitch. I think you’re supposed to think Jeff looks shocked in this scene that she knew he was in the hospital, but I think it was just that he was appalled at the bitter rudeness.

Tristen mentions to Stephen the weird vision of a shambling, drowned little girl she saw in the hospital. She says her name is Eileen Treacle, I guess because she read it in a book. I would have thought it was Samara, but I guess if you read it in a book… Erica, Jeff and Kim are watching the tapes to see if they catch any evidence, and Erica drolly comments sarcastically in the most teenagery voice imaginable: “This is sooooooo intense.” Kim thankfully tells her to chill out and that they only watched half of one single tape. I’d say Kim scores a point for that, but I still can’t forgive her for that “long way from sane” remark. Tristen cries as she apologizes to Stephen for losing the baby, knowing he wanted it, but she didn’t. Well, maybe I’m just being cynical, here, but you really could have told him sooner than before it died.

Back to the snarky bitches watching tapes, Erica suddenly notices after about an hour or two that the tree from the Parr ruins (the one that people built a house around) is gone from the video. Jeff immediately takes this opportunity to defend his sanity and says “I told you there was something up with that tree.” Okay, Jeff, chill. So they try to look from another angle, but as Kim grabs a second tape, Jeff notices a blistering rash on Kim’s shoulder that looks like it came from poison ivy, but he ogles it like it’s made of gold. Stephen, who had to have only heard the conversation about it partially, walks into the room and asks if it hurts. I have no idea how he knew what they were discussing, but maybe he’s the psychic one. Also, for someone who is telepathic, shouldn’t Kim know where the rash came from? I guess she only knows “some things.” In other words, she knows whenever it’s convenient for the story.

As they’re watching the tape, something flashes before the camera. They rewind it and freeze it on the image. From a distance, it just looks like a starfish in sand. Like, I seriously thought that’s what it was. I had to pause it on the image to see that it was in fact five bodies strewn out on the ground in the form of a pentagram. Stephen mentions Coffin Rock, and tells them the story about how men’s bodies were gutted and laid out in that same manner in 1886.

“Great American pastime- blame it on a witch!” Erica snootily retorts. Could you please, seriously, shut the fuck up? Does every word out of your mouth have to relate to how great witches are? It’s like if someone Jewish heard the story of Jesus on the cross, and Jews were never mentioned, and he suddenly lashed out “Great Christian pastime! Blame it on the Jews!” Even though they didn’t do that. You don’t have to paint this picture of yourself that you have this unhinged stigma attached to anyone who isn’t a Wiccan. It is so unbearably annoying. Well, thankfully, the look of agitation on Stephen’s face after this was said was pretty priceless.

Tristen calls Stephen upstairs, twice, so he goes up to the bedroom. Once he enters, however, Tristen is asleep. He hears the sound of a looping sound byte of kids crying, so he opens the barking door and sees the shambling wet girl, who just looks ridiculous, even as she twitches. She tells him “You brought it back with you.” Brought what back? The booze and dope? Yeah of course they did, they couldn’t leave that shit behind!

“What was that?” Tristen asks Stephen as he returns.

“It was just that stupid dog alarm,” Stephen explains. Well, at least he’s somewhat rational, enough to know how stupid that alarm is. Tristen tells him that she heard crying, and he looks at her with surprise, since he also heard it. This doesn’t mean that Stephen is sane, it just means that Tristen is also crazy. She tells him that she thought she was having a horrible nightmare of… children looking up her skirt. Wait, did I misunderstand her, or did she really say that?

         ANNA

                    Little boys. Looking up my skirt

                    as I danced. Giggling.

Okay, so that is what she said. Well, sort of, the script is like an entirely different movie. I know screenplays get changed a lot when filming, but holy hell. So anyways, I’m not going to argue that whether or not little boys looking up your skirt while you dance is, in fact, a horrible nightmare, but she’s convinced that something is definitely wrong with her because of it. I don’t know, lady, I have worse dreams than that, and I don’t wake up thinking “what’s wrong with me?” Stephen tells her there is a rational explanation for all that is happening to them. I agree. It’s called drugs.

Speaking of drugs, this movie requires them in order to watch it. I’m convinced that only the stoniest of stoners can understand the plot of this heap of shit. Stephen tries to convince Tristen to leave with him, and she stops him because she feels that she needs to understand what’s happening. Stephen tells her she can understand it on the plane ride home. They get on a plane. That’s when a goblin on the plane’s wing starts tearing into the hull and terrorizing a schizophrenic insomniac. The end.

Woops, sorry. Mistook this for something worth watching.

Okay, so they don’t get on a plane. Stephen aggressively forces some pills onto Tristen to get her to sleep. While it cuts away from him yelling at her to take them, we don’t get to see an awesome scene of her jamming them down her throat, which is a shame, because it would have been fun. Then it cuts to Stephen who is suddenly in an interrogation room getting questioned by a completely different cop, who appears unfazed by Stephen’s ridiculous whimpering. He sounds like a fucking six year-old. “Bwwwaaah eeeiit was an acfident… I sweeer to Chwist it waf an acfident!”

So Jeff and Slut (Erica) are watching the tapes some more, and they flicker for half a millisecond, and they both notice it. I mean, Jeff is actually paying attention, drinking coffee and focusing on the tape, but Erica is just sitting there, probably thinking about how she can next accuse someone of Wicca rape. But, somehow, she notices it, too. There’s a ghostly image of someone naked twirling around a tree. Oh, things are getting interesting? Well, not quite, but it’s the closest it’ll come to such. The time code jumps around from one a.m. to three a.m. Erica asks how that can happen in the middle of the footage. Clearly she’s never spent time around a VCR. When Jeff slows the image down, he notices that it’s a naked woman, and he’s immediately enticed. Well, you know he doesn’t get out much. He spends his free time building stick figures.

Erica asks what a naked woman is doing swinging around a tree. Well, isn’t that obvious? She’s probably an Earth Child. The two women hanging around Jeff fulfill their roles as worthless cunts as Kim abruptly tells them that she needs alcohol, and Jeff must be frustrated beyond belief because he looks at Erica and says, simply, “Caffeine.” Erica continues to sit there staring, and Jeff repeats himself. Erica doesn’t go away without making some smart-ass comment about servitude. She also probably said something like “You wouldn’t make a non-Wiccan get coffee for you.”

She grumbles as she goes through the fridge, or cupboard, or whatever it is, saying that the coffee is stale and there’s no beer, and the only food is leftover fried chicken. Look, bitch, you’re not staying in the Plaza Hotel, here. You’re in the boonies, quit moaning. She seems to be complaining about all of this to Stephen, hoping that he’s paying attention to her, but when it’s obvious that he isn’t, she prods at the thoughts occupying his mind. He tells her that he and Tristen are departing when morning comes, and Erica seems almost hurt by it, probably because she never got to teach Stephen about Wiccan tradition.

Stephen says that this “whole thing has really fucked Tristen up.” He’s clenching his fists as he’s saying this, which makes me think that what he’s really trying to say is “I really fucked her up.” Erica sluttily moves around the table Stephen is sitting at, and in her usual “I know everything because I’m a better than everyone” voice, she says “Well, how come it’s you that looks like he’s having a breakdown?” He slams his hands down on the table in aggravation and snarls “LOOK, I’M A LITTLE TENSE, ALL RIGHT?!” I know that perhaps we’re supposed to believe that it’s Stephen being a dick, but I loved that he yelled at her. Why does she have to act like some elite know-it-all bitch at all times? Everything that escapes her mouth froths with sarcasm and accusation.

Erica apologizes in a very sensual voice and begins toying with her hair as she inches closer to Stephen with a seductive look on her face. Stephen anxiously explains he’s a bit unhinged, so Erica begins to take advantage of his moment of weakness by touching his shoulders and massaging them. Is she one of those women that are attracted to boorish aggressiveness or something?

Then the most ridiculous scene in movie history happens. Erica and Stephen start making out on the table. Erica rips Stephen’s shirt open to reveal some red drawings of witchcraft symbols, and then Erica rakes her apparent Jaguar claws down Stephen’s gut and rips him open. When I first saw that, I could only think one thing. That. Was. Retarded.

They snap out of their dreamlike state and they’re sitting across from each other at the table. Unfortunately, Stephen is still alive.

Kim calls the two of them upstairs to tell them they got a better angle on the naked chick in the video. Stephen, having forgetting all about his waking nightmare, opens with “What naked chick?!” So Jeff slows the video down enough to show the woman’s face. It’s Erica. Oh, big fucking surprise, Erica is naked dancing around with nature. Erica is frightened by it, and claims to have no idea what it means. Understandably, however, the remaining members of The Blair Witch HUNT stare her down in an untrustworthy fashion. Erica storms off when none of them believe her, so Kim decides to go on a beer run.

As Kim is leaving, Erica is chanting around some candles. What else is she good for? She shows Kim the scars on her body, the marks of the pagan alphabet, which she claims means they’ve been touched by a witch, and they brought something back with them. She cries like a baby as Kim goes to get her beer.

Kim arrives at the corner hillbilly shop and three guys hanging out there doing absolutely nothing chime in together to cat call her and insult her at the same time. Again, I have no idea what the hell they were doing there before she arrived. She enters the shop after making her eyerollingly stupid remarks at them, like when one of them says “Hey, Elvira, I’ve got something you can suck the blood out of.” She tells him to whip it out. You can almost hear the guy’s brain short circuit. Like, was that supposed to be a verbal strike back or a proposition?

Inside, some fat old lady with an entire cart full of canned deviled ham slams into Kim and calls her a witch. I’m sure her husband says the same thing to her every night. Kim sets her beer on the counter and awaits help from the cashier, who smacks on a piece of gum and doesn’t react. Kim tells her to ring up the goods already, or she’s calling the manager, but the cashier states that she is the manager. Instead of just throwing a wad of cash at her and taking her booze, she decides to get confrontational and combative. After insulting the woman and getting inches from her face, she starts packing her beer in a bag before paying for it. The woman, who was filing her nails instead of ringing her up, turns on the security camera. I don’t know why it was off beforehand, but whatever. The woman tries to stop her from leaving, but Kim grabs her by the throat and threatens her. She throws money at her and leaves, seeing the young men have thankfully left from their camp in front of the store.

Erica is annoying. God, I can’t stand her.

Kim sees some children standing in the road as she’s driving and crashes into a tree. Jeez, she hadn’t even cracked open the beer yet, and she already drives like a drunk. It’s obvious the kids aren’t really there, anyway. Okay, it’s obvious to the audience. When Kim gets back, she finds the woman from the store’s nail file in her bag, covered in blood, then she tries to tell Jeff that she fucked up his fender to avoid hitting some kids. It didn’t look fucked up to me, it looked fine. Maybe my idea of fucked up is “completely irreparable.” Yeah, then a cheap scare happens. Next.

The next day, Erica plans to drive Tristen and Stephen to the airport. She goes to get the keys from Jeff, but then she disappears without a trace. But then the others realize there isn’t a van to drive anymore. The vehicle has been completely totaled. Now THAT is “fucked up.” Tristen tells everyone some shit about kids dipping their hands in blood and putting handprints on your body, and Jeff has the marks she’s speaking of. So, did Jeff score with some dead kids?

They begin to search for Erica, but there’s no sign of her anywhere. I have no idea why Jeff looks in the closet. Is this a game of hide n’ seek? Why are they looking for her anyway? This is blessing in disguise! Who the hell wanted to listen to her stupid chanting and Wicca bullshit? Suddenly, the find Erica’s clothes, but no Erica inside of them. Well, time to go look at all the nearest trees, she could be swinging around them naked again.

What the hell… it suddenly cuts to Kim handcuffed to a desk in an interrogation room, then switches back to the actual film. Look, I’m getting fucking dizzy, here. Hire a new editor for the love of FUCK.

Jeff accuses Kim and Erica of being bitches (correct) and playing a prank on the guys trying to freak them out (incorrect). Kim denies it, so they press on with more questions. Jeff asks a perfectly reasonable question: “Can’t you see her in your ‘mind’s eye?’” Yeah. Isn’t Kim supposed to be psychic? She hasn’t done a single damn psychic thing in this whole movie. So they… call Erica’s parents… seriously? First of all, how did they get the number? Second, what good is it going to do to call them? How much of this particular situation are you going to explain to them. “Yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Stupid-Bitch? We got really hammered and ran around naked in the woods and your daughter was performing some witchcraft and she’s gone missing… b-but we still have her clothes! …Hello?”

The secretary or whatever on the phone says that the parents they were trying to reach never had any children. They immediately think Erica lied to them instead of thinking that the secretary lied. Again, what amazing logic.

Kim tries to get a rational explanation, and Stephen goes on another of his information superhighway journeys, and tells them that it’s probably group hysteria. Jeff calls it bullshit, and Stephen validates his beliefs with the solidity of this argument: “It’s real… DUDE.” Then they start arguing about school. I… what? Oh, then they start looking at the tape again.

Jeff sees a very short clip of a pair of hands on the video smashing up some cameras, so he suddenly thinks he knows who did it. So sheriff Fat-Fuck calls Jeff, and Jeff actually answers with the greeting “Fuck off, no one’s home.” Why did he bother answering? So the Sheriff tells him to turn on the television to see the news. Luckily, it’s right on the station they need, like in all movies. So they found out the tour group of foreigners are dead and their bodies were arranged in a pentagram shape. Come on, even retards know what’s happening in this movie. And whoever plays the sheriff is one of the worst actors of all time. “Bodehs were laid out in da shape of a PEN-NA-GRAM!” God, he’s awful. “You’d better just SIT! TIGHT!”

Suddenly a paper Mache owl bursts through the window and dies. I’m not making this shit up.

Jeff decides that the best course of action is to threaten everyone, telling them they aren’t leaving him alone there to take the fall for everything. Even though this is his tour and his responsibility? So, they start smoking pot together to get some clear heads and really start thinking straight. Jeff is adamant on blaming Erica. Kim disagrees with him, so Jeff starts yelling, then Kim starts yelling. Hey, isn’t weed supposed to chill you out?

Now Kim is back in the interrogation room… I’m getting really sick of these “scene swaps.” They’re not effective. They make me feel nauseous. They aren’t even important. They tell you what you already know.

Jeff goes to ask Kim why she’s so mad at him, and he asks this in a perfectly calm voice, but as he approaches her, she’s biting a chunk out of the dead owl. Based on what you’ve probably read in this review so far, this was just another “hallucination” and cheap “omgscare.” And it wasn’t even scary, since it was incredibly fake-looking, so it was more like “omglowbudgetscare.” After Jeff realizes that Kim is really eating the leftover fried chicken that no one else would touch in fear of getting Malaria, she shakes her head at him saying “Calm down! I’m not that pissed!” Even after his brief hallucination, he seems pretty calm, so I don’t know what she’s referring to.

So Tristen sees Erica outside doing exactly what everyone thought she’d be doing… and no, not huddling around candles and whispering shit. That other thing she does. Strip down half naked and dance around trees. Stephen goes out to get her, asking her what happened to her, but then she spouts some cryptic shit that we’re supposed to go “oooo” at, but instead we’re going more like “groooooan, is this over yet?” So for some reason Stephen screams “ERICA!!” which I guess shook the ground enough for the metal bridge/walkway beneath his feet to give way and snap, almost sending him to his death! Well… not his death. He probably would have just broken his leg. Or… maybe he might have gotten badly bruised.

Tristen… is… what the hell is she doing? She’s pretending to be a spinning top I guess, on top of Jeff’s bed, murmuring stuff, I don’t know. This movie sucks. Stephen tries to calm her but she keeps ranting. God, shut up. She basically re-tells the story of how the Blair Witch died. Like, god, I don’t care. If you do, watch this heap of shit. I’m not typing it.

Kim decides the hospital needs to be called for Tristen, so she searches for a phone book in Jeff’s drawer, and finds some file folders, all of which contain photographs and information on each of the people in the whole group. They probably say something like this: Stephen is a drunken douche bag know-it-all who would rather tell people what to do than figure out what’s going on. Kim likes to alienate everyone who is male. Erica is a stupid bitch. Tristen is fucking nuts. Jeff snorts piss.

Jeff continues to claim that he had no idea where the profiles came from. Stephen decides to testosterone it up and push Jeff around some because that might solve a problem or two.

Interrogation room scene number 6,110: Stephen looks at his profile as a cop slaps it down in front of him. Please, god, stop with the scene switching.

Sheriff McBadActor calls Jeff again and tells him to come outside. Puzzled, they wonder how he could be outside if the bridge is gone. Note: there is a yard beyond the bridge that you can park in. Despite that, they still look at the camera pointing outside, and see that the bridge that Stephen’s fat ass broke earlier has somehow repositioned itself. So Jeff goes to the front door to check, despite there being no one outside on the video feed, but we already know these guys aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.

The sheriff continues to pound relentlessly on the door because he figures if he continues, Jeff will eventually say “Okay, come on in.” As he keeps pounding on the door, he keeps spitting out random shit in that hillbilly voice, like “DAG BLAGAT, YOUNGSTERS, YOU GONNA GIT IT IN DA BUD!” At this point, you really want Jeff to open the “Got-demn-door” as the sheriff refers to it, just to get him to shut up. So Jeff finally does open the door, and… and…

So Jeff grabs an enormous shotgun from his closet that I guess no one else knew about and returns to the door to pump those mutts full ‘o lead, I guess. Of course, once he opens the door, the dogs are gone. Yeah… who didn’t see that coming? Jeff goes to put the gun back in the closet, but there he sees Erica standing inside facing the corner. He turns her around and her eyes are all white, but she otherwise looks alive. I mean, she’s standing there stiffly, like her body is made of ice. It breaks all laws of physics. But I guess she’s supposed to be dead… I don’t know, this whole movie is just guesswork. Stephen and Kim happened to also see Erica’s body, so now they’re feeling a tad… stressed.

Jeff uses his pothead logic in trying to find anyone guilty but himself. He says Stephen was the last one to see her alive. So now they get into another one of their “Who has the bigger dick” arguments. Haven’t I seen enough of these? So they just go around blaming each other, blah blah blah. Tristen comes up to see them and says some crazy shit about “backwards,” so Kim translates this into “we need to run the tapes backwards. It might help us figure out what happened to Erica.” Whoa, whoa, movie, slow down. You lost me.

You know what else should go backwards? Time. That way I can reverse the effects this movie has had on me, and go back to a time when I’ve never seen it.

“This makes no sense!” Jeff argues. Right from the horse’s mouth.

So Jeff plays the tapes backwards. It doesn’t work, so Stephen has this bright idea of using the keystroke commands backwards. WHAT!?!?!? So, somehow THAT works. Don’t fucking ask. So now they finally see the footage they’ve been missing out on. They’re taking their clothes off and getting drunk, naked, and more drunk. And it looks like Tristen is waving a long stick around… but other than that, it just looks like a normal party. They fuck, they tear shit up, and they break shit. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET DRUNK.

So, yeah, they discover that it was them all along that broke the cameras and other equipment, and that Tristen is apparently the bag guy who gave them knives and told them to kill the other tour group. Yawn. Why Tristen was making out with an owl, though, I’m not sure.

So they all grab Tristen and surround her and question her, and try to force her to admit she’s the cause of it all. Tristen then starts talking evil nonsense and telling them they’re all going to die. “SHE’S THE WITCH, MAN!” Jeff says. Uh, yeah, thanks Jeff, we’re on it. Tristen slaps Stephen and tells him Tristen is gone. She ties a noose around her own neck and Stephen tries to stop her, but she pushes him away. Jeff, reverting back to eighth grade whispers “Witch bitch,” because hehehehe it rhymes. Tristen starts insulting Stephen and calling him a pansy, pussy bitch, so he pushes her. I expected nothing else from Stephen. So Tristen’s dead. I mean, pointless plot point is dead.

The Blair Witch HUNT gets arrested. Yaaaaaay!

So now, the interrogations actually mean something. The rest of the interrogations in the film, completely pointless. The only time they matter is now, at this point in the film. As each character gets interrogated, it’s revealed that all of them, except for Tristen, were corrupted, and they all killed someone. All of the videos, even the one Jeff was making of Tristen going crazy in front of them, showed they were murderers. The security camera in the store showed Kim actually killed the cashier/manager. Jeff actually killed Erica, and I guess he raped her first or something, because he’s naked as he’s hiding her body. Each of them are distraught finding this out, saying “I didn’t do that! That’s not me!” Tristen was actually innocent and was never possessed by a witch, and Stephen was acting completely differently in the video than what we saw earlier, and he pushed Tristen to her death mostly because he hated her face. I don’t blame him.

Sigh, yawn. THANK GOD IT’S OVER.

Now I get to give it my rating.

Out of a possible score of ten, I give this film a negative 8. Everything about it was horrible. Cast, lines, acting, music, nudity, all of it. It was garbage. There should have been more orgies.

I’m tired of writing now, so get out of my face.