Deploy Boring Potato Chip Decoy Bag!

      If you watch television, unlike myself, you probably see dumb fucking shit like this every day. I, as I previously stated, don't watch television, so of course, whenever I'm at a home where a television is on and shows are playing, I'm more curious of what's happening on that big screen that ISN'T my computer monitor, for once in my freaking lifeless life.
      I have a high tolerance for commercials and ads. I browse the internet for at least 1000 hours a day. Ads happen. They're usually the same mundane shit over and over: YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS AWESOME PHONE, OH MY GOD! IF YOU DON'T GET IT, YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL HATE YOU! That's how they work, right? Most of the time, you know what an ad is going to be about before you even see it, depending on the product in the commercial. A piece of technological hardware? Make it look flashy and cool and way more interesting and functional than it really is! Toilet paper? Make it look like one sheet could wipe a thousand filthy asses! A cleaning product? Dress up some dingbat housewive and make her reflect on the "honeydew melon scent" of her kitchen which she spends all of her time in while making some ridiculous "mom" joke about how her husband and kids are big babies who don't know how to housewife it up and clean up after their dirty selves!
      Yeah, they're retarded. That's why we usually just ignore them and roll our eyes, or change the channel, only to land on more of the stupid things. They're supposed to be retarded. That's the whole point. They want you to literally become frustrated enough so that the image of their product is burned into your mind. It's a manipulative tactic that works on most of the couch vegetables that spend the majority of their lives watching reality TV.
      But... I saw a commercial today that I just couldn't wrap my brain around. It was probably the stupidest commercial I have ever seen, at least since the old Hotels.com ads that plagued cable television, which always ended with some corny motherfucker saying "OF COURSE! HOTELS.COM!" Today, I saw a commercial for Chex Mix. Everyone on the freaking planet already knows what Chex Mix is. The shit is everywhere. Why are they making ads for it? Why are they spending the money to make ads for plain, bland, regular Chex Mix? Did they add something to it? More rye chips, maybe? No, they fucking didn't. It's just the same old Chex Mix.
      I don't necessarily have anything against Chex Mix. I have something against this ridiculous commercial, the one they didn't even need to make. I guess maybe Doritos has been cashing in the stocks more than old Chexy has, and I don't know about it. That's understandable. Doritos are good fucking chips, and a hell of a lot better than Chex Mix. But this commercial was aiming to force you to disagree.
      The plot: Cool, sleek, hipster young guy is at some sort of young party with young people. I would say a frat party, but no one looked as if they were drinking. No, they weren't focused at all on alcohol. Do you know what they were focused on? The guy at the party carrying around a bag of Chex Mix. Each of these laughing, hipster douchebags dogpiled the main character, reaching into his bag of Chex Mix like a pack of greedy, ravenous hogs, while the young man's face contorted into an expression of dismal dejection, probably wondering what the fuck everyone's problem was. How often can you say that while at a group gathering, you carried around your own personal snack and munched on it from time to time, while everyone you passed reached into the bag you were carrying and stole bits of it, smirking like pricks. Well I can tell you with complete honesty, that's NEVER happened to me. Of course, I've never been to many parties, but I have been in a place where lots of people were. And I'm pretty sure people didn't try to steal my goddamn beer or food out of my hand!!
      The product spotlight: This partygoer's resolution to people stealing his food isn't to say "What the fuck is your problem?" It's to stand there looking hurt, as if he was being bullied in fifth grade and receiving a multitude of massive wedgies. But wait! Some game show host superhero holding a microphone enters the scene! He also has the ability to stop time, egads! As the nameless hero appears onscreen to save this random dude's snack, he presents what he calls the "Boring Potato Chip Decoy Bag" to the victim, and advises that he just stuff his Chex Mix bag into it so that the apparent chimpanzees in the room would lose several brain cells and forget all about the Chex Mix bag. The "Boring Potato Chip Decoy Bag" literally looks like a re-drawn Doritos bag, only with less color and the word "BORING" painted at the top. Yes, it actually says the word "BORING." The grateful young man gleefully begins toting around his "BORING" bag, and suddenly all of the frat-but-not-so-frat boys turn away from him and his utterly depressing "BORING" bag.
 He proudly grins, apparently pleased that he can now eat his TOTALLY NOT BORING Chex Mix in peace.
       The reality: I don't need to repeat that people aren't going to be stealing food and drink from you left and right if you go to a party with a snack bag. But what I do need to address is how INCREDIBLY focused these people seemed to be on the bag of Chex Mix, like it was an Aztec artifact found in some catacombs, and when the bag said "BORING" they all seemed uninterested. This commercial didn't say anything interesting about Chex Mix at all. All it did was say other chips *cough cough* Doritos *cough cough* were "BORING." That doesn't even mean they were saying that Chex Mix was "good." It just means they're saying other chips are MORE boring than Chex Mix. Now, you might argue that they used the "party people" greedily reaching for the snack to address that it was just, like, so awesome, that people were blinded with unreasonable raging hunger and they forget how manners work, but that doesn't mean Chex Mix is good, either. What this commercial seemed mostly to be saying, in realistic terms, was that people are too stupid to ask about a potato chips bag that says "BORING" on it. THAT'S ALL. It literally treated people as if they were brainless lab monkeys, and they only reacted on stimuli. Well, that's not to say that people aren't like that, because they most definitely are. But come on, seriously? They avoid the potato chips bag because it says "BORING" on it? Wouldn't any other human being be MORE interested in that? I certainly would. I would think it was an ironic joke or prank, or better yet, a front to hide something even better (Chex Mix isn't better).
      I know it's pointless to rag on commercials. They're supposed to treat people like morons, because morons are the ones who buy their product after seeing an ad like that. They are designed to portray the most simple of messages: BUY BUY BUY OUR PRODUCT. Don't buy that "boring" OTHER product. BUY BUY BUY OUR PRODUCT! DO IT NOW! DO IT! DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIT!!!! They're supposed to be hurling this into your face and forcing you to think inside the box, or more accurately the bag. But that's just my problem with them. People are always going to decide whether or not they want your stupid product, no matter how much you try to cram your stupid chips down their throat. They're still going to buy Doritos if they like them more. You can't influence an already set opinion on something. But maybe.... just maybe... there's that fraction of people they CAN affect. And I sympathize with them.