Bronies

As a person who was born with more male on the inside than on the outside with their fair share of strange fantasies, I can never really hate on people for what they like. I can’t easily call other people “sicko,” for I know all too well what dwells in the recesses of my own mind. Some things disturb me… oh boy, do they ever disturb me, but I recognize that such strange things have an unnecessarily huge fan base. I know that everyone gets their rocks off in their own way, and nary will a snicker or a sneer change that fact.

I want to talk a little bit today about Bronies. The Brony “Community” is larger in size than some people might think, and like most sizeable groups, it grows on the internet. The internet is a magical wonderland of anonymity, where if you like something such as My Little Pony just a BIT TOO MUCH, it doesn’t matter. You don’t know the people bashing you. You have a right as an American (usually an American) to watch whatever crap you want to watch. Now don’t get me wrong, you are right about that. You do have the right to like what you want to like (given that it is within reason and doesn’t involve idolizing Patrick Bateman from American Psycho).

You just hate him ‘cause he’s pretty and stuff.

Fans of MLP/Bronies aren’t bad people. You don’t hear that a lot on the web. Honestly, I hear a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans of the show. Non-fans say things like “Why do you even like this show, it’s dumb and it was made for little girls,” and I hear fans return the hate by telling non-fans, “You’re a fucking idiot and don’t know what you’re talking about, get out of your mom’s basement,” etc. It’s not a television show that turns people into murky, grimace-inducing horrors that infest the internet with more of their raging behemoth-sized idiocy. It’s HOW MUCH you like the show.

Again, not all Bronies are bad people. It would be unfair to look at a prison and say everyone in it deserves to be killed as much as a rapist or murderer does. That’s simply not true. Not all people deserve to be condemned for their likes or dislikes. That’s why I don’t hate all Bronies. If you want to harmlessly love a show because you think it’s a good show, then by all means, watch it, enjoy it. You don’t need my permission or approval, or anyone else’s. I don’t particularly like it… but if it’s your thing, go nuts. You aren’t harming yourself. You aren’t harming others.

However… there are still many arguments people like to make about why it’s so much better of a show than any other, how it’s the most positive, most unique, most specially-wecially show in the whole pony-verse, tee-hee!

Look, it’s not. It’s NOT. Most Bronies, from my observation, are in their early twenties, so there is a slight chance they might not have watched the cartoons I did when I was a child. Most cartoons geared toward younger children (4-7) WERE EXACTLY LIKE “FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.” There are also many other children’s shows that have the exact same kind of “lessons” in them that people claim ONLY My Little Pony preaches. That claim is, again, not true. In fact, of all the children’s programs on television, My Little Pony is one of the least informative, and gears mainly on the importance of friendship. If you NEED a television show to tell you or teach you NOT to be a fucking dickhead to your friends, I wouldn’t want to know you anyway. Of course friendship is important to us humans… we’re a social species. We don’t need ponies to tell us. So that’s my first major complaint about Bronies: “The show is special and unique.” It’s not. Don’t misunderstand me, though. It’s hard not to come up with excuses when so many people call you a flaming faggot for watching little girls—I mean little ponies—and you have no other option to say the show has some important lessons to teach.

Let’s take for example an episode I recently watched where Rainbow Dash breaks her wing and ends up in the hospital. Her bizarrely over-fashioned and dangerously flirtatious girlfriends try to convince her to read a book to pass the time and aid her boredom. She avoids it because she hates to read and calls her friend “egghead.” The “lesson” in the show was “the book was actually really good and it was wrong of her to call her friend an egghead.” Why do you need a show to explain to you that calling your friend a name (even one as lame as “egghead”) is a bad thing to do? Wouldn’t you… uh… not do that anyway?!

So don’t try to tell me “I watch it for the lessons.” No, you fucking don’t. If you have some balls, you’ll say “Yes, I like My Little Pony because I just like the show. The characters are (sickeningly) cute and the little stories are funny to me.” DON’T FUCKING LIE JUST TO GET PEOPLE TO ACCEPT YOU. If they pick on you for being a Brony, they don’t give A SINGLE, SOLITARY FUCK why you watch the show. All they see is “You’re a Brony, you’re a faggot.” You can’t change that, so give it up.

With that said, My Little Pony would be an okay show to me, but when I watch it, I literally get very uncomfortable. The characters, every one of them, are a little too cute. I’m reminded of the fantasies a pedophile has whenever I see them… they’re just so girly and flirty that you can almost hear the sound of fapping from someone in the distance, watching MLP over my shoulder, going “Oh fuck yeah, Rainbow Dash, do more loops!!!!” When I think of other kids’ shows, I think of how “childlike” the characters are--- they are VOICED by children or people who sound a lot like them, they ACT like children (the way they talk and play with each other), and they all have parents who scold them for doing wrongs or praise them for doing rights. In My Little Pony, the ponies are very clearly young women, who wear eye makeup and hair color. They have no families, just friends. They behave the way a little girl would if she wants to con someone out of giving her ice cream. It’s WEIRD.

That’s why there really are Bronies out there who fall into a whole other category—the ones who “clop.” It’s almost hard to blame them—look at those fucking ponies winking at you and shit, talking in the voices of adult women who love to ACT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS. For a staggering number of men, that’s a wet dream come true, and an entire TV show stars characters just like it. The kinds of people who literally jack off to My Little Pony cartoons have some skeletons in the closet I’m sure, and not just getting off to pony-girls, either.

Now, again, you’re not hurting yourself or anyone, but you really do have to ask yourself why it gets you off so much. There has to be some reason. When I look at the things I get off to, I can see where they originated and why I like them so much, but maybe I’m just the weird kind of person who questions that kind of thing when most people just go “Who fuckin’ cares? I’m having orgasms.”

Lots and lots of them…

Let’s not start talking about fan-fiction and fan-art. Oh please, God, no. Not the dregs of the internet… Okay, too late. We crossed the bridge.

I have a love/hate relationship with DeviantArt, mainly because it’s fifty percent anime, thirty percent furries, and twenty percent My Little Pony characters. I can’t go anywhere on the site now without stubbing my toe on a pile of made-up MLP characters that have nothing interesting about them. Most of them are just crappy re-colors of other characters, or vector tracings of screenshots. I’ve seen original MLP art, but it just looks like more of the show. None of it is very unique. Same style, same artwork.

Like this one here: http://shadowthehedgehog928.deviantart.com/art/Lightning-Clash-317230050. This same guy is also a big fan of Freddy Krueger for some reason. Good luck explaining why you wanted to combine Freddy and MLP in one short, pointless story.

There is such a thing as “taking it too far.” Writing stories about how you meet MLP characters in real life because it’s your ultimate dream to take wing with flying ponies is really lame (especially when you admit it made you cry), and it’s only because I’m a little too manly than some people would like that I say shit like that. Maybe you’re just someone who is really, really, really, really sensitive, and that’s okay. I’m sensitive. When I stub my toe on piles of crappy art, I cry. When two gay men can’t be together because of oppressive times, it makes me cry. Oh wait, you may be a Brony, but you might still be homophobic, so I better keep that on the downlow.

But then there’s the CREEPIER stories. Yeah, writing a story about meeting Rainbow Dash is a waste of typing, but at least it’s innocent. I wish I could unsee some of the things I have seen. And you will, too.

"So you see, Twilight, you need feel no shame in your attraction. I am quite flattered, and it is quite mutual." Luna rests a hoof on Twilight's side, caressing her through the blanket ever so slightly.
Twilight feels light as a pegasus. Her head spins a little, and she fights the urge to jump around the room screaming "YES!"
"But," Luna interrupts.
"But?"
"Yes, there is a 'but'. And it is a large one."
Twilight's eyes disobey all her orders and slide over Luna's flank as she says this. Of course, Luna notices, Twilight notices that she notices, and Twilight shrinks into her blankets further. Luna snorts, almost giggling.
"You are cute. So young. So eager. I would very much like to take you into my bed," Luna says calmly, as if it was a normal piece of everyday conversation. Twilight shudders and smiles, feeling herself turning to putty with every word.

How can you not read that and think “I feel like I need to be in jail for this.” Or, maybe you do, and I just don’t know it. And furthermore, what possesses you to write it? I really am curious. Already I’m thinking I’m a bit of a hypocrite—I write erotica for a living, and none of it is the least bit clean or innocent. But ponies acting like little girls… you KNOW why that turns you on. They’re not “My Little Horses.” They’re PONIES. Meaning YOUNG GIRLS.

Connect the fucking dots.

"So... Twilight?" Rarity turns to her. Twilight is caught off guard, lost in their back-and-forth. Both her friends are looking at her.
"So?" Twilight isn't sure what they're waiting for.
"Do you... how shall I put this, hmm... do you like...?" Rarity says.
"Do you clop to mares?" Dash asks.
"Clop?" Twilight raises an eyebrow.
"Again, must you be so crude? I swear you are worse than Applejack sometimes." Rarity sighs.
"What's so crude about the sound of hooves on stone?" Twilight asks.
Again, her friends stare at her.
"Wow. Worse than I thought." Dash shakes her head. "No wonder Luna wants you to get around some."
"What Rainbow Dash was referring to was, ahem, uh, tending one's flower," Rarity explains.
Twilight just stares blankly at her.
"Exploring your mare's garden?" she tries again. Twilight still looks confused.
"Touching yourself – down there?" Rarity says.

“What we want to know here, Twilight, is if you’re a giant dyke.”

Okay, so these kinds of things don’t fit the description of all Bronies. But those it does describe, try to understand just a bit about why people find you weird. That “We should all be proud of who we are” crap people like to say is a bunch of bullshit. A child molester should be downright ashamed of who he is, not try to find people on the internet who think like he does.

There are enough “Fanboys” in our culture that make “Fans” look retarded. I’m a “Fan” of American Psycho, and I don’t dream about skull-fucking dead people beside a bloodied and naked Christian Bale.

But that chainsaw gives me a boner every time.